The Secret To A Wife's Happiness That Shouldn't Be A Secret

by Greg S. Baker , Christian Examiner Contributor |

Although it is impossible to lump every woman—or man—into a single category, in the decade that I have been counseling marriages, I have found that the vast majority of women who struggle in their marriage all lack the same ingredient. A wife's happiness is important, but most men can't figure it out, and even most women can't put a finger on it. It's a secret that shouldn't be a secret.


The secret ingredient for most women's happiness in a marriage is one word: security.

An insecure woman is a very, very unhappy one. In fact, I believe that the main reason a woman will cheat on her husband is because she is insecure and has gained some measure of security from someone else. It is the security that a man brings to the table that most women find very attractive.

A woman defines herself by her relationships. So it is within the realm and scope of her relationships that she seeks for her security. A man might be secure in his strength and ability to work, but a woman finds that she must have security in her relationships to feel happy.

Insecurity can be part or parcel of the entire relationship. A woman can be secure in many areas except one or two. But those few areas of insecurity have the potential to sabotage the rest of the relationship.


When a wife's happiness is compromised due to insecurity, she becomes dominating and controlling. A woman won't feel the need to control a relationship if she is secure in it. But take that security away, and she'll try to force the security by trying to take control. A husband who gives his wife great security also has a wife that isn't trying to micromanage everything he does. There is no need. Men who can't or won't give this security often complain that their wife is nagging, dominating, and controlling.

Inconsistency in attitude and opinion. This is even true for men, but when a woman is insecure her attitudes will be tied to a pendulum. She will try to be strong, but there will be times when she is weak. Security gives her the freedom from the need of trying to be strong.

Her ability to handle adversity is greatly reduced. If a woman is insecure in her marriage, she won't handle rebellious children well, or perhaps she won't be able to deal with negativity in the work place. Thus, if a wife suddenly buckles under pressure and can't handle things that she once did easily, then she has become insecure somewhere in a very important relationship.

These are the most common signs. Each woman will deal with insecurity in her own way, and some handle it better than others.

A woman is highly attracted to someone who can give her security. This, I believe is a God given gift to her. It is what allows her to be so empathetic with people and situations. Clearly, our world would be a darker and less caring one without this trait. But strip her of her security and she may lose that wonderful quality.


She Is Beautiful. We live in a society that puts fewer and fewer clothes on a woman. Check out who has the lower necklines, the shorter shorts, the tighter tops, and who shows the most skin. It is the average woman. Why? Because women want to feel secure in their physical appeal. She isn't trying, at least not most women, to make a man lust after her. She just wants the secure feeling that she is pretty. A married man needs to give that to his wife. It is vital!

She Is Needed. An unneeded woman doesn't feel secure in the relationship. So if there is no reason for her to be there, she'll feel awkward, lonely, and insecure.

She Is Appreciated. Everyone needs to be appreciated. But if a wife isn't appreciated, then she will feel unnoticed and insecure.

She Is Wanted. If a wife doesn't feel that she is wanted, then she begins to feel as if she's just so much excess baggage. It creates insecurity.

Financially. This is a type of protection. One of the major causes of divorce is money. Most couples don't even have a budget so they live from paycheck to paycheck and there is always the threat of imminent doom financially. This brings frustration and insecurity to any woman. Years ago, I established a budget and we stick to it religiously. My wife has never had to worry about money issues.

Safety. A woman needs to feel safe. When my wife and I first married, we rented an apartment in a neighborhood that turned out to be rather rough. It was the cause of some of our first marital problems. Eventually, for her sake, I had to break the lease and move elsewhere because of how bad it got there. After we left, my wife felt much more secure and safe. Give a woman a feeling of safety and she'll feel secure.

Affection and expressions of love. Most women I know, including my wife, need constant reaffirmation of their husband's affection. Therefore, if you give a woman enough affection and expressions of love from her husband, she'll feel very secure. However, if you take this away, she can become bitter, angry, frustrated, and controlling.

This secret should be no secret. Men and women both need to understand this most essential element to a wife's happiness in marriage. So strong communication is a must. Without it, these seven areas of security will struggle. Husbands, learn to communicate in these areas. Give your wife security. You will never regret it.

Sometime ago, I became so caught up in the church I pastored that I became a little negligent in my marriage. Because I was working and working hard, I was secure. My wife became a little insecure, however. So we started sending the kids to bed early two nights a week and we spent that time exclusively with each other. That rekindled my wife's happiness and security and made a huge difference in our relationship.

This secret to a wife's happiness should remain a secret no longer.

–Greg S. Baker pastored a church for thirteen years. He now works as the single's pastor at a local church while writing books to help expand the Kingdom of God within the kingdom of man. His books cover topics that include Christian living, manhood, and the end times. He also writes Christian fiction, believing that fiction is a major avenue for sharing the truth of God's Word. To learn more about Greg and his work, visit