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MISSION VIEJO, Calif. — The mantra, “But Daaaaaad, everybody’s doin’ it,” may work on the home front, but when it comes to cohabitation, it doesn’t fly with pastors who are charged with guiding their flocks to live by standards established by the heavenly Father.
At a time when the economy may beckon couples—even Christians—to move in together to save expenses, pastors are increasingly faced with the task to set their people straight.
“These are not easy things because we are dealing with people’s hearts and feelings,” said J.P. Jones, founding pastor of Crossline Community Church in Mission Viejo.
“We need them to connect to Jesus, stay connected to Jesus, and the means to do that is through grace and truth.”
Jones said more and more cohabitating couples are showing up in churches because they have a different moral perspective.
That’s because living together, he surmised, has become a part of the culture for so long that some younger people, especially those whose families are unchurched, have no idea about the biblical mandates of celibacy outside of marriage.
Statistics appear to bear that out. According to a 2005 U.S. Census Bureau report 4.85 million couples were cohabiting, up more than 1,000 percent from 1960, when there were 439,000 such couples. A 2000 study found that more than half of newlyweds have lived together, at least briefly, before walking down the aisle.
A 2003 study by the Barna research group found that 49 percent of born-again believers said they consider cohabitation to be “morally acceptable,” compared with 60 percent of all adults. Only 12 percent of evangelicals called the practice “morally acceptable.”
“There is a general misunderstanding in society today about what the biblical view of marriage is,” said Bob Kline, senior pastor of Mountain View Community Church in Fontana. “It’s just like anything else. You need to lead them along the way so they understand because it won’t work if you are beating them over the head.”
Jones added that guiding people toward sanctification is an ongoing process that involves moving from dark to light.
“It’s not only them finding salvation in Christ, but it’s also coming to see how following Christ transforms every area of their life,” he said. “It’s one of the evidences of someone developing in Christ.”
Both Jones and Kline stress that cohabitating couples would always be welcome in their congregations, but such living arrangements are not acceptable for membership or leadership roles.
“We take a compassionate, but truthful approach that Scripture is very clear that the marriage bed should not be defiled,” Jones said. “If someone says they are a follower of Christ, they should endeavor to do as He says.”
Membership is a covenant agreement acknowledging that they understand the Scripture and teachings of the church and agree to adhere to them.
Increased accountability
Generally, the issue of cohabitation does not emerge until a couple seeks greater involvement.
Kline said he usually discovers the living arrangements while a couple is going through the church discipleship process. Many of the church’s young couples are unchurched and arrive at Mountain View through its various outreach ministries, including recovery programs, a mobile medical unit, church-operated preschool and food pantry.
“We know they are going to come in with a different perspective,” he said, adding that over time they “will listen, become part of the whole ministry and then they will begin asking, ‘Is what we are doing right?’ ”
In talking to couples, Jones said he likes to go through the Scriptures with the pair in order to show them God’s view of the practice.
“It’s not me, it’s not my church, it’s what God said. For me, it’s what does God’s Word say about any issue? Find out what He wants and do it. It eliminates all of the gray areas of what I should or should not do because it’s pretty clear. The call to follow Jesus is to make Him Lord of your life.”
Transforming people
Kline agreed, saying his pastoral staff tries to transform people through demonstrating Christ’s love.
“I can’t put requirements on people,” he said. “I encourage them to find different living arrangements.
“Rather than legislate anything, we would like them to make that a decision of their own hearts, their own beliefs.”
Ricky Page, the associate pastor who oversees ministries for teens and adults through age 29 at San Diego’s Rock Church, said the pulpit is a major tool used at that congregation. Nearly 75 percent of the 7,000-member congregation is college-age or young adults.
“Because of the age of our crowd, we deal with this a lot,” Page said, adding that lead pastor Miles McPherson preaches on it from the pulpit several times a month.
“He’s pretty blunt about living together as a category that is not right.”
McPherson, he said, tries to temper the topic with humor. It’s an approach that has worked with the church’s ministry to ex-cons, strippers and pole dancers.
“It’s a nonthreatening environment here, so I think it’s easier to take than hearing it from somebody in a suit and tie,” the young adult pastor said.
Church commitment
Like the other churches, Page said it’s unlikely someone will find out about a couple’s living arrangements until they either become members or volunteer. He said a recent volunteer drive for the children’s ministry netted
300 applications. Each volunteer prospect will then have a sit-down interview where his or her lifestyle is discussed. In a group that size, Page said there will probably be 10 people “in the mix” who are living together.
“We’re very up-front with that question,” he said, echoing Jones’ comment that some have no clue about the biblical standards for sexual conduct, describing it as a loss of “godly fear.”
“There are people living together that don’t even think about it,” Page said. “Some even seem taken aback by it.
“They are not shy about it by any means. It’s like it was in the ’70s, as in anything goes sexually. People are doing what’s right in their minds. They kind of bank on grace.”
In those instances, Page said the pastoral staff counsels couples on how to bring their relationship into order.
“We talk through the biblical perspective of intimacy,” he said.
Proper heart
Using a compassionate approach, Kline said, should not be mistaken as watering down the gospel.
“We have high biblical standards,” the Fontana pastor said. “But, because of how we love them and what we teach them, they begin to realize that what they are doing is not right.”
Jones stressed that all church restoration and reconciliation processes are based on the guidelines laid out in Matthew 18.
“I think people appreciate the truth,” he said. “I try to do it with as much grace, openness and humility as I can because I’m a sinner myself. I’m still growing.
“Even if they reject it, they at least know what they are choosing to reject.”
When cohabitating couples wish to get married, most pastors will ask them to separate during the premarital counseling stage, if not longer.
“If they want to get married in the church, they are obviously seeking God’s blessing,” Jones said.
The Rock’s Page agreed, saying that those who invest in their counsel and make their relationships right generally are grateful their pastors had the courage to set then straight. In one instance, Page recalled a cohabitating couple who committed to a restoration process that included moving into separate homes. Although they continued to date, there was no physical contact between them, including kissing, for one year.
“It’s cool to see the Lord is reconciling those relationships,” Page said. “In offering a biblical perspective on living life ethically and morally, there is a hard line in Scripture that you can’t tiptoe around.”
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